Saturday night was dull England and Scotland won and both Irelands lost. Andy brayed in my ear about how his boys were the true world champs robbed by Ericson's dodgy tactics. I grinned inanely and said 'Roight enough, sor!' so frequently that he realised I was finding his analysis rather wearing.
He then burst into an analysis of my activities over the past week, dumping Kully, romping with Sarah, getting off with Sofia and chatting up women in coffee bars at half nine in the morning. 'You've lost the plot mate, what are you trying to prove?' I shrugged. 'Have you been given a year to live or summat? You were bad before but at least it was controlled, you know weekend pull, walk away when she got fed up. Now you want everything you see.' I laughed, 'Don't you fancy loads of women every day?' 'Yeah' says Andy the moral philosopher 'But my internal monologue is my business, it's private, the volume is turned down so that only I can hear it. Yours is on full, blaring out everywhere you go. Hi I am a randy Paddy fancy a shag!! You'll come a cropper one of these days.'
'Too right' says Gaz, 'you're like a bloody teenager wandering about full of hormones with a constant hard-on. Sometimes its really embarassing watching you wander up to these birds, especially the young ones. We look like "perverts are us" for hanging around with ya.' 'Whats it got to do with you' I retorted. 'None of them ever talk to you' 'Yea, I wish they did.' he quipped 'I don't know what they see in you' 'Its my Irish charm you Manchester twat' I responded.
I looked at both of them Andy, his once thck curly hair now grey and combed forward and Gaz with his greying crewcut that replaced his Guns n Roses thatch when he burned himself with the crimping iron, and wondered how I ever managed to pull in their company. Liam had been his usual quiet Yorkshire self. 'What about you lad, do I embarass you?' 'Nah' he said 'I know you're a twat so nothing you do causes me any pain.'
'Thanks, guys, you've really wounded me with this crap.' I growled. At this point Andy interjected with his conclusion 'I reckon you've become an adrenalin junkie, 40's coming up fast and you want some decent stories to tell at the bar when you're 60. Who could beat Tufty McLaughlin the man who shagged 150 birds in his 39th year. Other guys go to Bangkok you want to do it the hard way. Mark my words you'll cross some nutter if you keep this game up at this week's pace.' 'Bollocks! you're more likely to get whacked buying drugs from your rasta pals in Highfields than I am for chatting up loose women.' This took the momentum out of the argument, Andy didn't like his drug consumption discussed too openly.
We sat quietly for a while staring at our beer. At the bar Danielle appeared looking extremely gorgeous, in the company of a tall well groomed man. I nudged the lads, 'There's the bird from the Coffee shop' 'Fuck, she's amazing' was the general response though mostly they just stared. Tall well groomed man frowned back and mouthed 'Fuck off' to Andy. Andy being rather short-sighted and too vain to were glasses especially in a pub. Grimaced back his eyes screwed up trying work out what was going on. Before any of us could react Tall well groomed man had stormed over to our table and was staring wildly at Andy and growling in a scouse accent 'Ere Grandpa stop fucking staring at me missus or I'll kick your fucking head in!!!'
'Sorry, mate, I meant no harm' Andy said in his most gentle tone. 'Too fucking late late mate' said Tall well groomed man. I was about to speak when Liam cracked him with a right. Liam had probably been waiting for a moment like this for years, a chance to use his karate training for real. The big guy never saw it coming and slumped on top of Gaz spilling his pint and busting his nose with his head as he fell. Danielle watching from a distance ran over screaming, her boyfriend looked pretty rough his shirt covered in blood from Gaz' nose. She looked at me and snarled, 'Do you really think getting your mates to beat him up would make me fancy you, you fucking psycho?' 'I didn't do anything, he just came at us' The hollowness of my response echoed round the room. Mr Boyfriend looked up suspiciously but I suspect being clasped to Danielle's bosom muffled his hearing considerably. She looked at me and said 'He can be a bit overprotective, just go. We can talk about it some other time.' 'Really?' I asked. 'Yea, you've got my number haven't you? Use it sometime. Now just leave us alone.'
I turned round to see Liam and Gaz being frogmarched out by the bouncers with Andy remonstrating. I smiled at Danielle but she looked as if she was breastfeeding Mr Boyfriend back to life. Outside Liam and Gaz hit the pavement with a 'Don't bother coming back, you're barred message from the bouncers'.
'Well lads, what were you trying to demonstrate there? Self control, subtlety or how to get into a fracas for fun?' I said smugly 'All you had to do was look at her, not stare at her the way a starving lion would stare at a steak! No wonder the guy went ballistic, three old gits staring at his missus like she was in a peep show.' 'She's beautiful, it was an involuntary response to a sudden overpowering stimulus' said Andy in his best scientific tone.
