Tales of a Lagan Lover

After last weekend's fracas life was quiet this week. Liam and Gaz have been grounded by their girlfriends who have always regarded me as a bad influence. Andy was working late all week and went out with some of his drug pals on Friday so I was on me tod.

I resorted to the little black book and tried Sarah the veteran goth first but she was off frolicing with her Deserter. Danielle didn't answer which bearing in mind what happened last weekend was a relief. Late on Friday afternoon I decided to bite the bullet and call Vicky the married woman I met in IKEA.

She actually seemed quite glad to hear from me which was a bonus. I asked her if she was doing anything on Saturday and she said she was free between 12 and 4 because her kids were going to her mothers and her husband was going to play golf. I offered to take her out for lunch but she declined concerned that the chances of being spotted by a friend or neighbour were particularly high on a Saturday afternoon.

I began to think all was lost when Vicky asked where I lived. Cautiously I told her my address. She asked if it was easy to park and I told her there were loads of free spaces on a Saturday afternoon behind the block out of sight of the road. 'Great I'll see you at 12 for lunch' she said very saucily.

My mind was in turmoil, the prospects looked good but I'd better stock up at Tesco's just in case she really wanted just lunch. At 11.50 on saturday I stood in my spotless flat with a table groaning with sandwiches and snacks. Suddenly the buzzer went. Vicky's voice hummed over the intercom 'Tufty your 12 o'clock is here' I let her in quick before the neighbours spotted her.

I opened the door and there she was looking very nice in brown linen trousers and a creme top. 'Come in and sit down, I like a woman who's punctual' I said in best best host style. Vicky smiled and murmoured 'No point in wasting precious time'. I closed the door and turned round to find her right behind me blocking my path to the living room. I stepped forward and hugged her, before I could do anything else it was all fiery kisses and wandering hands.

Trousers fell off, tops came off, underwear melted, two people went mad. Suddenly I was lying beside her in the hall exhausted, my pulse racing. I stroked her breast and asked, 'Would you like to eat now or proceed to the bedroom?'. 'Bed' was the immediate response.

I got a good look at my new mistress as she walked through. Tall slightly plump but with a wonderfully womanly shape broad shoulders, narrow back and waist and beautiful round hips. Her breasts were big, D cups I would have thought with exquisite thick deep red nipples and a huge areola. For the next two hours I was worked hard, this woman was very enthusiastic.

Then we lay quietly together, her husband worked for an IT company running some kind of Managed Service, he sounded decent enough but a bit dull. The children were 8 and 12 but a pair of spoilt little monsters who were more interested in trips in daddy's jag than anything their mother wanted them to do.

I fed her some of the feast I had laid on. She found my manly idea of a buffet lunch rather funny, corned beef sarnies, pakora and samosas with indian dips obviously wasn't her style. No surprise but she ate plenty anyway.

At half three she got twitchy, it was time to go, no point in being late home to make hubby's tea. I smiled supportively. Then Vicky turned, hugged me and said 'That was the best afternoon I've had for years. I feel fantastic, what are you doing next Saturday?' I said I had no plans. 'Well then I want to come here again will you be in, same time. I'll bring lunch. Is that a date? Please say yes?'

How could I say no. She smothered me in kisses, 'this is the best cure for a dull marriage a woman could have' she sobbed in my ear. I hugged and kissed her, lost for words. She finally left when it looked as if we were heading back to bed. From my window I watched her walk to her black Range Rover and waved.

Saturday night was dull England and Scotland won and both Irelands lost. Andy brayed in my ear about how his boys were the true world champs robbed by Ericson's dodgy tactics. I grinned inanely and said 'Roight enough, sor!' so frequently that he realised I was finding his analysis rather wearing.

He then burst into an analysis of my activities over the past week, dumping Kully, romping with Sarah, getting off with Sofia and chatting up women in coffee bars at half nine in the morning. 'You've lost the plot mate, what are you trying to prove?' I shrugged. 'Have you been given a year to live or summat? You were bad before but at least it was controlled, you know weekend pull, walk away when she got fed up. Now you want everything you see.' I laughed, 'Don't you fancy loads of women every day?' 'Yeah' says Andy the moral philosopher 'But my internal monologue is my business, it's private, the volume is turned down so that only I can hear it. Yours is on full, blaring out everywhere you go. Hi I am a randy Paddy fancy a shag!! You'll come a cropper one of these days.'

'Too right' says Gaz, 'you're like a bloody teenager wandering about full of hormones with a constant hard-on. Sometimes its really embarassing watching you wander up to these birds, especially the young ones. We look like "perverts are us" for hanging around with ya.' 'Whats it got to do with you' I retorted. 'None of them ever talk to you' 'Yea, I wish they did.' he quipped 'I don't know what they see in you' 'Its my Irish charm you Manchester twat' I responded.

I looked at both of them Andy, his once thck curly hair now grey and combed forward and Gaz with his greying crewcut that replaced his Guns n Roses thatch when he burned himself with the crimping iron, and wondered how I ever managed to pull in their company. Liam had been his usual quiet Yorkshire self. 'What about you lad, do I embarass you?' 'Nah' he said 'I know you're a twat so nothing you do causes me any pain.'

'Thanks, guys, you've really wounded me with this crap.' I growled. At this point Andy interjected with his conclusion 'I reckon you've become an adrenalin junkie, 40's coming up fast and you want some decent stories to tell at the bar when you're 60. Who could beat Tufty McLaughlin the man who shagged 150 birds in his 39th year. Other guys go to Bangkok you want to do it the hard way. Mark my words you'll cross some nutter if you keep this game up at this week's pace.' 'Bollocks! you're more likely to get whacked buying drugs from your rasta pals in Highfields than I am for chatting up loose women.' This took the momentum out of the argument, Andy didn't like his drug consumption discussed too openly.

We sat quietly for a while staring at our beer. At the bar Danielle appeared looking extremely gorgeous, in the company of a tall well groomed man. I nudged the lads, 'There's the bird from the Coffee shop' 'Fuck, she's amazing' was the general response though mostly they just stared. Tall well groomed man frowned back and mouthed 'Fuck off' to Andy. Andy being rather short-sighted and too vain to were glasses especially in a pub. Grimaced back his eyes screwed up trying work out what was going on. Before any of us could react Tall well groomed man had stormed over to our table and was staring wildly at Andy and growling in a scouse accent 'Ere Grandpa stop fucking staring at me missus or I'll kick your fucking head in!!!'

'Sorry, mate, I meant no harm' Andy said in his most gentle tone. 'Too fucking late late mate' said Tall well groomed man. I was about to speak when Liam cracked him with a right. Liam had probably been waiting for a moment like this for years, a chance to use his karate training for real. The big guy never saw it coming and slumped on top of Gaz spilling his pint and busting his nose with his head as he fell. Danielle watching from a distance ran over screaming, her boyfriend looked pretty rough his shirt covered in blood from Gaz' nose. She looked at me and snarled, 'Do you really think getting your mates to beat him up would make me fancy you, you fucking psycho?' 'I didn't do anything, he just came at us' The hollowness of my response echoed round the room. Mr Boyfriend looked up suspiciously but I suspect being clasped to Danielle's bosom muffled his hearing considerably. She looked at me and said 'He can be a bit overprotective, just go. We can talk about it some other time.' 'Really?' I asked. 'Yea, you've got my number haven't you? Use it sometime. Now just leave us alone.'

I turned round to see Liam and Gaz being frogmarched out by the bouncers with Andy remonstrating. I smiled at Danielle but she looked as if she was breastfeeding Mr Boyfriend back to life. Outside Liam and Gaz hit the pavement with a 'Don't bother coming back, you're barred message from the bouncers'.

'Well lads, what were you trying to demonstrate there? Self control, subtlety or how to get into a fracas for fun?' I said smugly 'All you had to do was look at her, not stare at her the way a starving lion would stare at a steak! No wonder the guy went ballistic, three old gits staring at his missus like she was in a peep show.' 'She's beautiful, it was an involuntary response to a sudden overpowering stimulus' said Andy in his best scientific tone.

In alone on a Friday night, I find myself musing over a strange week. No word from Kully I can only assume she's gone for good. Just in case I didn't bother calling her.

Got a few texts from Sarah through the week. Shes off visiting her parents in Aylesbury this weekend so no easy romance to be had. I was out with Andy and a couple of the other neighbours Liam and Gaz on Wednesday. Four ageing saddo's we had a bit of a pub crawl round the student haunts before going to a student night at a dodgy club. As usual Andy was spaced on some pharmaceutical. Liam and Gaz, solid chaps with proper girlfriends, laughed and got solidly pissed. As is my want once the beer started to taste bad and the conversation got repetitive I went in search of women.

After some extremely fruitless attempts at conversation with women young enough to be my daughters it looked like being a blank night. I wandered unsteadily to the dancefloor and watched a tall girl with lots of brown curly hair dancing shyly with two friends. She filled her 501's better then any woman I have seen for years. In one of those moments of inspiration that only occur when I'm drunk. I sidled up to her and began dancing in a pseudo flamenco style. She burst out laughing but didn't run away. We danced for a couple of tracks smiling at each other. Before retiring to a sofa to chat. Her name was Sofia, a Polish girl from Halifax. It wasn't long before we were snogging. I broke off to get some drinks and got a goodbye wave from my buddies who had reached their bedtime.

At closing time I walked Sofia home hand in hand. She was a very gentle affectionate girl. She lived up a dark drive in what can only be described as a 'Folly', a turreted gatehouse. Her flat had a tiny living room kitchen and a bedroom upstairs with a crucifix shaped window like you get in old castles to fire arrows out of. We sat down on her tiny sofa and wrestled for an hour or so before she very politely said it was time for her to go to bed and me to go home. We parted very amicably, I walked home with the sort of glow you get when you are 18 and in love. Unfortunately no contact details were exchanged and the prospect of meeting again was never discussed. C'est la vie.

Thursday was a tough day I am too old to survive on two hours sleep and go to work. Today I had a 9 am meeting in a coffee house with a couple ugly mugs. As we sat discussing our exciting project I stared into space. Suddenly the space was filled by a gorgeous vision. A beautiful dark haired woman walked in and sat down opposite me. She was about 5'6 and very curvy with a healthy golden tan. Her grey dress fitted perfectly and displayed just the right amount of cleavage to suggest that she had a wonderful pair of breasts. I must have been staring at her because she beamed a warm smile at me, her gleaming white teeth emphasised by the cherry red glow from her lips. Transfixed I smiled back, she kept smiling. It was all I could do to stop myself leaping across the tables to speak to her. Meanwhile my colleagues had been busy discussing some extremely weighty topics. I cut back in, just as they came to a conclusion. We shook hands on reaching such a sound agreement. They left in a hurry to get to their next meet.

I stayed behind on the pretext of going to the toilet. Once they had left I walked over to the raven haired princess and sat down. She laughed, 'Did you ditch your pals for me?'. 'Yup, once I saw you I had to have you'. Cue gales of laughter, her name was Danielle and she was from Liverpool killing time before a job interview. I told her she was a certainty to get the job and followed up with a would you like to go out some time? 'Me boyfriend might not appreciate that but here's my mobile number call me'. I said thanks and gave her my number. I held her hand and gave her a peck on the cheek and walked her to the door. She walked off looking fantastic and I strolled back to work consumed with lust, the woman looked amazing.

I got home exhausted tonight, Wednesday's exertions were still affecting me. I fell asleep watching the news and woke up too late to go anywhere. Danielle has occupied my thoughts throughout the day, ther must have been something in the coffee I am never this taken by a casual encounter.