The other night I bumped into a small but perfectly formed Indian girl called Kully. At first I thought her name was Kelly, but she certainly didn't look Irish. Before I could probe her identity too deeply she was kissing me and checking that I had the right parts. Don't blame her, they say there are a lot of women dressed as men around these days, preying on young girls.

After some tonsil tickling and dancefloor we retired to my mansion for a spot of wrestling and lubricant application. I haven't met such an enthusiastic girl for a long time. I now understand the phrase 'full of eastern promise'. On Sunday morning we smiled at each other over breakfast, wandered around in the morning sunshine and promised to keep in touch.

I waved her off at the edge of the city centre with a little sigh of relief. Lovely girl but a bit too serious for me. Will I see her again? Don't know, she knows where I live and she's got my number. She'll turn up if she's interested. Otherwise I will carry on my mission to conquer a new woman every time I step out the door.